Gwyneth Paltrow thinks she is funny. She is probably the only person who thinks that.
Here she is trying to sell her double-sided vibrator that is available on Goop. She says to the guy, “Are you really going to stick that vibrator in my face for the rest of the…” He interrupts her to say, “It’s a vibrator?” Isn’t that hilarious? I can’t stop laughing.
What she should have said, is “I know you don’t use vibrators, but you are aiming for the wrong hole.” Or “Are you going to hold my vibrator like that because I just used it, and it smells like my candle?” Or “What do you think of my little toy, just like Double Mint gum? It’s double the pleasure, double the fun.” Or, “What do you think of my double-sided wand? It does magical things in my vagina.”
It is Gwyneth Paltrow’s 48th birthday, so she celebrated by wearing just her birthday suit. Which makes you wonder if she is really two years away from turning the big 5-0 because the mom of two doesn’t look like anywhere close to that age.
I would ask what’s her secret, but I am sure she will say it is something really expensive from GOOP.
Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow sold a candle called This Candle Smells Like My Vagina? Well, yesterday she told Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show she has a new one out.
What is it? It is This Candle Smells Like My Orgasm. Maybe when she was having sex with Brad Pitt, we would have wanted to know what it smelled like. However, after years of doing it with the lead singer of Coldplay (is that like boring four play) and Ryan Murphy’s #2, I don’t want to know what it smells like.
Do you want to know what scent you will be inhaling? According to GOOP, it wreaks of “tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes.” The site says it’s a “scent that’s sexy, surprising, and wildly addictive.” It did not give my nose a rise.
On that note, what is the next candle going to be called, This Candle Smells Like My Penis? It will have the aroma of seductive musk with hints of fromunder cheese, Callery Pear, and Vaseline® hand lotion blended in beer and scotch.
In the words of KC and the Sunshine Band, “Baby, give it up. Give it up. Baby, Give it up!”
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Back in 2011, Gwyneth Paltrow starred in a movie called Contagion, where she unintentionally spread a deadly plague around the World. That was then, and this is now.
Anyways, working on a movie about an international pandemic has prepared her for one. The actress is traveling to Paris, and she does not want to get the Coronavirus and be a carrier. Therefore, she is wearing a mask on the plane, so no one will blame her for eating a contaminated animal and wiping out most of the population, again.
BTW That mask she is wearing is on sale at goop for $75; they are called Smells Like My Bad Breath.
That is a lie, here is a true story. I once flew back and forth to NYC with bronchitis, which I did not know at the time. Well, I was coughing up a storm, and guess what the movie was playing on the back of our seats? Contagion. I swear. I did not think I was going to make it off of that airplane alive. I knew exactly who was watching the film because they were the ones giving me the looks that could kill.
Oh, and yes, I watched the movie both ways because sometimes I can be a masochist. Even though I watched it, I believe that movies like that should not be shown on planes for the safety of their passengers like me.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s This Smells Like My Vagina candle is a better talking point than any movie she has made. Therefore, when she was on Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday, he had to have a sniff of her vagina. What does he think it smells like? The ABC late night host says, “It smells a little bit masculine, really. Like it has, kind of, woody, like, I don’t know.” Well, you wanted to know, now you do.
Don’t believe she smells more like a he. Then, you can pay $75 to get a whiff. It is finally back in stock at goop after selling out. The rumor is that Elton John bought over 100. Who knew he was so into the smell of vaginas?
