Every now and again, comes a movie that instantly becomes a cult classic. The VelociPastor is this year’s addition to that list. It is throwback to those awful Kung Fu movies of the ’70s with a modern feel. One that has a preist turning into a velociraptor. You read that right and that is why you are going to watch it and love it.
Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) is a preist who loves his job and follows what his boss tells him to do. Then one day, he walks out of the church to greet his parents. Just as he waves hello to them, it turns into a goodbye because someone blew up their car.
He decides to get over his parents’ death by traveling to China. While he is sightseeing in the woods, he comes across a woman who was just struck bye an arrow. With her final breaths she gives him an artifact and tells him to destroy it. Since she said it in Chinese, he did not understand her warning. To make matters worse, he cuts his hand on the tooth that she gave him.
When he gets back to the states, he just think his hand is not healing because of an infection. Turns out it is something more. When he goes for a stroll one night, he stops a man from mugging a woman. Well, he does not do it. The dinosaur he has become kills that thug.
He goes home with the woman whose life he saved and spends the night at her place. He has no memory of what happened, and he thinks he slept with her. Even though Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) is a hooker, she tells him nothing happened between them. Then she shares with him what really happened and suggests him that they should work together to stop evil.
At first he turns her down, but then he murders the man who killed his parents. Once he realizes how good it feels to kill the bad guy, he decides to team up with Carol. The two of them are killing mission, but there are many people who want to kill him. They find themselves being chased by people from his church and Ninjas. The latter team up to get him, but are they enough to stop The VelociPastor?
You are not going to want miss this movie. Just when you think you know what is going to happen next, they find a way to surprise us.
Not only is the plot ridiculous, so is the acting and special effects. Which makes this film even more divine. We need more films that are willing to go there and not take themselves seriously. If you are going to come up with ludicrious movie, you just have to go all out with the wackiness. And they do. Boy, do they.
The VelociPastor is available on home video for you to enjoy over and over and over again. Make sure to have the drinks ready because you are going to want to come up with your drinking game for this film. It is better not to watch it sober.
