What would the gang from Bayside High be up to right now if they, you know, actually existed? We’re guessing it would be something like this.
Zack Morris
Age: 31
Marital status: Divorced
After coasting through the College Years, Zack fell into a job in his dad’s burgeoning tech business. As he grew older, his love of blow was only surpassed by his true passion—high school girls. He spent the majority of his free time leaning on his BMW parked in the lot near the Bayside cafeteria, offering rides to varsity—and, at his worst, JV—cheerleaders. He maintained this lifestyle until going into a seizure during an office birthday party for the lady who delivers the office supplies. After an MRI, doctors discovered a malignant brain tumor in Morris’ brain that had been growing for years, the problem exacerbated by the radiation from his unreasonably large cell phone. After a series of surgical procedures, doctors were able to remove the tumor, but due to complications, he developed severe learning and social disorders. He’s now employed part time as a janitor for Bayside High, where he can be seen walking around muttering, "Kapowski…" quietly to himself.
Albert Clifford "A.C." Slater
Age: 31
Marital status: Single
After getting out of college, A.C. decided to give a wrestling career a try. Realizing there’s no money in "Greco–Roman" style, Slater adopted the moniker "The Spanish Fly Boy" and joined the WWE. After seven unsuccessful bouts, A.C. knew he wasn’t strong enough to compete, so he pumped his body full of steroids and human growth hormone. Sadly, he received none of the benefits of steroids, and all of the side affects. Now sporting marble-size testes and saddled with two double-D breasts, Slater’s rasslin’ career is officially over. But all is not lost. Steroids also cost A.C. the use of his legs, but he managed to turn lemons into lemonade, as he is currently the Denver Rolling Nuggets’ third-leading scorer and a reserve all-star in the National Wheelchair Basketball Association.
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Age: 31
Marital status: C’mon
Always a very, very ugly person, Screech was fed up with hating himself. In an effort to pin blame elsewhere, he dedicated his late twenties and early thirties to blaming God for his inability to attract the opposite sex. He now travels America’s Helen Keller Circuit, singing acoustic ballads to blind children with titles such as "The Lamb of God Took a Shit on My Face," "How Do You Abort a Holy Ghost? (I’m Gonna Find Out)" and "Blow Job from Jesus." His recent album, I’ll Get You When I Die, is yet to find distribution. Although, according to Samuel, a couple of the blind kids said he should release the single "Catho-Lick My Balls."
Kelly Kapowski
Age: 30
Marital status: Divorced (from Zack)
Kelly gave up her dream of being a doctor after a curling iron incident left her hand useless for anything other than holding a pen—the purpose of which was solely to make her "not look like a cripple"—and slid into a bout of deep depression. She received some help from her parents and eventually recovered from the loss of her dream and her bitter divorce from her prolifically adulterous husband, Zack, who had left her with more than eleven different strains of herpes. She got a job answering phones at a hospital, where she became good friends with many doctors and nurses, even performing routine medical tasks such as emptying bedpans and taking the patients’ temperatures. She had become content with her life until she ran into the wildly successful Lisa Turtle—of whom she’d always been incredibly jealous—and regressed into a state of severe schizophrenia. She calmly walked back to the hospital, where she performed more than 20 unnecessary and unsterile surgeries with no anasthesia before being apprehended by the authorities. She was immediately institutionalized, and upon the search of her studio apartment police discovered more than a million dollars in stolen medical supplies (mostly enemas) and walls cluttered with pictures of that weird guy with glasses who was always doing magic tricks at the Max.
Jessie Spano
Age: 31
Marital status: Widowed (multiple times)
While brains helped her get through high school and college, things really shit the bed for Jessie when she hit her mid-twenties. Always a pretty girl, she had no trouble attracting many suitors. The problem? She was, according to everyone who knew her, such a "fucking bitch" that she couldn’t keep them. Her first marriage ended when her husband took most of his head off with a sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun. He left a note that said, "I blew my ears off to make sure I couldn’t hear you in hell." After ingesting 270 aspirin, her second husband’s note said only, "Shh." After her fifth husband jumped in front of a Japanese bullet train, Jessie stopped reading the notes. She now lives in Connecticut.
Lisa Turtle
Age: 29 (she skipped a grade)
Marital status: Married
Using her parents’ vast wealth as start-up capital, Lisa looked past the neon colors and denim vests of her youth and started her own company, inventing such fashion landmarks as Capri pants and jeans that look like they’re superold but are really new and cost more than three times as much as a normal pair. She didn’t keep in touch with the rest of the gang, going on record in several large magazines to say her high school friends were "mostly white trash, except for one blond guy who took my virginity under the bleachers during a pep rally." Lisa remains a mainstay on fashion-related television shows and has become really, really good friends with Tyra Banks, going so far as to hold her hand during her last bout of liposuction. Lisa credits most of her success to her experience during the episode where she and the fashion club make and sell friendship bracelets to the "spoiled brats" in her high school class. On a related note, the vast majority of the fashion club has moved to Las Vegas, where it’s legal to screw people for money. Lisa’s husband, while good-looking and endowed with a 10-inch penis, provides her little intellectual stimulation, responding to most of her questions with, "Girl, shake your Laffy Taffy/That Laffy Taffy." Her last name remains Turtle.
Hollywood Gossip Whores
Someone obviously had way too much on time on their hands and I am so glad they did!
