Several of Conan O’Brien’s female staff members decided to go to a midnight screening of Magic Mike XLL, Since he’s their boss, he decided to join them. He met them at his assistant’s house and they girl talked until the limo came. Something that couldn’t happen soon enough for the women because he performed a strip tease for them. Then they went to eat at the appropriately titled Big Wangs, where they picked up a new member to their gang. Finally, it was time to see the movie and boy were they excited for it. When it was over, it was time to go home! You don’t want to miss what was waiting for him when he got home.
Now that we’ve seen him have a girls night out, I want to see what he’s like if actually had a boys night.
Silicon Valley’s Kumail Nanjiani was on Conan the other night and the comedian explained to the TBS late night host how he was a late bloomer when it came to wearing bloomers. Back when he was 11, he didn’t wear underwear; but that was all about to change after a horrible experience during his summer of masturbation.
One day, his cousin, who was his age, came over and told him about this thing called masturbation. His cousin went in first, tried it and then it was time for The Meltdown host to experience his first, well meltdown. As soon as he was done, he passed out and woke up on his bathroom floor.
You would think that would make him never want to do it again, but it had the opposite effect. One day, his family and him were going to go to Funland in Pakistan, and he knew he had 10 minutes before they were going to leave, so he planned a quickie with himself. While his was dancing with himself, his mother kept calling him because his family arrived earlier than he thought. He was in a rush, but he finished. In a hurry, he zipped up his pants, and he zipped through his penis. As a consequence, he took a piece off the side. He says it was a little piece but it felt giant. Since it was bleeding a lot and he didn’t want it to get infected, he got his dad’s aftershave and poured the whole bottle on it. Everyone, male and female, is feeling his pain at this point. He described it as, “It felt like if fire had teeth. It’s the kind of pain where you are flashing football highlights and pictures of all of your dead relatives.”
So the moral of the story, is boys if you are going to masturbate, you need to wear underwear! Unless you want to explain to your future girlfriends why your penis is scared like that.
Adam Scott and Jason Schwartzman are starring together in a movie called The Overnight and in it they are nude most of the time. Tonight, when they were on Conan, the TBS wanted to know more about it.
Even though they were both completely naked, they really weren’t. You see, they both wore prosthetic penises to hide their real ones. They became so comfortable in them that they walked around the set without anything on but it. Which made everyone butt themselves very uncomfortable.
Schwartzman was more comfortable in his skin because his fake penis is 9 1/2″ long, so you can’t blame him for wanting to show it off. Unfortunately for him, he accidentally showed it off to his kid’s teacher. Even thought it made things awkward for them, he has seen a lot of benefits from it. So fellas, now you know the secret on how to get your kids’ teacher to give you stuff. Are you ready to take a photo of yourself with a fake penis for the fringe benefits?
BTW I lost count, but is that the most time that penis was mentioned on late night talk show? It definitely felt that way.
Maybe Andy Richter needs to lose a pound or two because yesterday on Conan he broke the couch he’s been sitting on for years. All he did was barely move his body up and down on it when one of them legs just gave out. I mean if Oprah’s couch could handle Tom Cruise jumping up and down on it, how come Conan’s couldn’t handle his sidekick bopping on it? Oh, that’s why?
Ashley Tisdale was on Conan O’Brien’s yesterday and she admitted to the TBS late night host that she has a girl crush on Jessica Lowndes. In fact, when she needed to cast someone to be her former girlfriend on the show she produces, she made sure to hire the star of A Deadly Adoption as her love interest on ABC Family’s Young & Hungry.
She then told Conan, “I got to kiss her, that was a lot of fun.” Then she added, “It was fun for my husband too!” I wonder who had the most fun when the two of them locked lips, Ashley or her husband? That night, I would say, it was easily a tie! Maybe a three way tie?
If you want to see the kiss between Ashley Tisdale and Jessica Lowndes, then click here!
Yesterday, Donald Trump announced that he is running for President and every comedian and talk show host simultaneously had an orgasm. And leave it up to Jon Stewart and his Daily Show correspondents to actually show us how excited they are about the news.
Before we got to see that, and oh yes, yes, yes, it’s worth watching the whole thing to get the climax because we can all use a little foreplay. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Stewart talked about Trump’s announcement and his reaction is why we are going to all miss him in 6 weeks. Does he really have to go? Didn’t Trump’s announcement make him want to say?
Anyways with him going, and no one left of his caliber at Comedy Central, it looks like Seth Meyers could actually become our go to Political Humorist. His take on Trump’s announcement proves why NBC didn’t make a mistake when they gave him Late Night. Now that the race that’s about 16 months away is heating up, I hope he does more segments like this one because it was brilliant.
Trump isn’t the only person who said “I am running for President” and Conan O’Brien came up with a political ad for Jeb Bush that I am sure that Lincoln Chafee will approve of. Don’t know who Lincoln Chafee is, Google him!
The last time that Lea DeLaria was on Conan, she taught us all how Lesbians f*ck! Yesterday, when she was on, she taught us that she can really sing.
The TBS late night host heard that she has an cover album out of David Bowie’s songs reimagined in the style of Jazz, and he wanted to know more about it. So she asked him to be the baseline as she sang Bowie’s Fame. As soon as she belted out the first note, I was blown away by how beautiful her voice is. You’d just don’t expect to hear that coming out the Orange is the New Black star’s mouth. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that.
Now, I am spending my day listening to the music from her 5 Jazz albums. Her version of Patti Smith’s Dancing Barefoot and Chicago’s All That Jazz are true works of art and I am not really a Jazz fan; but I am just listening to her melodic voice. Just wow!
Jeff Garlin was on Conan yesterday and he told the TBS late night host about his first son’s circumcision.
Shortly after Garlin moved to Los Angeles, his first son was born. Since he is Jewish, they had a Bris for his heir. When the Mohel was done, he gave the star of The Goldbergs his son’s foreskin wrapped in foil and told him to bury it somewhere special for good luck.
Since Garlin was new to LA, he didn’t know where to go. Then he decided to go to Disneyland and do it there. He wanted to make it special, so he was going to eat all of the food in the “crappy lands” and then go throw that little piece of his son off at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. That was his plan and plans don’t always go as planned.
As he walked around the park alone and eating, people were looking at him funny. At that point, he felt he needed to get out of Fantasyland and go home. So he looked over, saw Sleeping Beauty’s Castle, picked up a rock, attached the foil pouch to it and threw it. Maybe one day his son will date a woman, who is put into a deep sleep by an evil witch, and he will kiss her to wake her up. What else could happen to a boy whose foreskin was thrown towards the castle of one of Disney’s Princesses?
Garlin has another son and yesterday he revealed to everyone what he did with that foreskin. No, it is not as Disneyland with his brother’s. Instead, it is at the fountain in The Grove shopping center. I feel bad for the person who went looking for quarters and found Garlin’s son’s foreskin instead. Talk about bad luck, but then again if you are taking quarters out of a fountain, you are pretty much screwed.
I wonder what his kids are going to get him for father’s day, now that they know where daddy got rid of their foreskins?
Every since last week, when Rachel Dolezal, the President of the Spokane, Wa chapter of the NAACP, was outed as White, people have wanted to hear from her. Today she finally broke her silence on Today. Matt Lauer asked her if she is African American, and she told him “I identify as Black.”
Then he asked her when she started identifying as a Black woman, and she told him even as a child she saw herself that way. When she was 5 years old, she would use the brown crayon to draw herself.
So even though she was White, when did people start describing her as Black. She told Matt Lauer that when she was working in North Idaho, she was written up as Trans-Racial then Bi-Racial and finally as Black, and she never corrected them.
Even though people wondered her about her identity for years, it was a surprise to her the timing of being outed last week.
So would she do anything differently, for the most part no.
This is a hot topic that has gotten the whole country talking. Now that you have heard from her, how do you feel about it all?
UPDATE: Here’s Deon Cole talking about Rachel Dolezal on Conan yesterday, and he had some really good points.
Chris Pratt was on Conan yesterday to talk about Jurassic World and O’Brien asked him how he was able to look so scared throughout the movie about killer dinosaurs. The actor told him, “The face that you give, really is, you should do nothing.”
Then after some chit chat, Pratt demonstrated the TBS late night the three faces he made in the movie. They were fear, love and joy. The three of them were so different, I don’t know how he doesn’t have already have an Oscar on his mantel. He’s such a thespian!